


The Thrilling Avenger Hour: A Fistful of Arrows

by stefwith1f



Series: The Thrilling Avenger Hour [2]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Thrilling Adventure Hour
Genre: Crossover, Gen, Screenplay/Script Format, Sparks Nevada: Marshal on Mars
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-11-30
Updated: 2013-11-30
Packaged: 2018-01-03 00:45:25
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,065
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1063659
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stefwith1f/pseuds/stefwith1f
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which friendships are forged on the red plains of the fourth planet, and newly teamed-up heroes do what they do best: save the day.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Thrilling Avenger Hour: A Fistful of Arrows

**Author's Note:**

  * For [slodwick](https://archiveofourown.org/users/slodwick/gifts).



> Presenting an EXTRA-CANONICAL Sparks Nevada tale. That is, it's outside of canon. Not that there's like, bonus canon. Totally outside of canon. And, if you want to be honest right now, it's also pretty outside of the way ... time works. So. Let's just say 'Time Hole.' 
> 
> As a fix, I mean, but also: let's just say it. Together. Really feel it, you guys. Time Hole. 
> 
> Yeah. 
> 
> That was nice.

MARSHAL STATION DOORS  
Marshal. A message has arrived for you. 

SPARKS NEVADA  
Go on ahead and read it out. We got a good rhythm going, here.  
We are _blazing_ through these incident reports, Croach. 

CROACH THE TRACKER  
Pace yourself, Sparks Nevada. You know how you get when there's no more paperwork to be done. 

SPARKS  
I don't get any kind of way. 

CROACH  
Of course. I am thinking of another marshal who spent his last in-office lull organizing strips of staples by length. 

SPARKS  
Ok, that's not ... look, sometimes you only need a half 'a one... 

DOORS  
Marshal. 

SPARKS  
Sorry, go on. 

DOORS  
 _The United Solar System Alliance has joined forces with earth's Avengers for a trial program..._

SPARKS  
Wait, so they're the USSA...A now? 

DOORS  
On a trial basis. 

SPARKS  
Well, that's good for them. Folks working together - nothin' wrong with that. 

DOORS  
Message continues: _In the spirit of our new union and to help orient our new associates with the issues affecting the interstellar communities we serve, we are pleased to announce the dispatch of two of Earth's Mightiest Heroes to your jurisdiction..._

SPARKS  
What? No. 

DOORS  
 _...for a brief period of cooperative aid. Please welcome them and use their skills to further maintain the safety of your community as you see fit. Thank you for your cooperation._ Message ends. 

SPARKS  
Well. You can return message tell the U double-S double-A we don't need no help right this minute.  
And you can ... tell 'em about that abbreviation of _their_ abbreviation I just thought up. Might be useful for 'em, and I'm feelin' generous. 

CROACH  
What about 'folks working together'? 

SPARKS  
 _Them_ folks. It's great _for them._ For me ... well. It is a _hassle._

CROACH  
Truly your generosity is self-evident. 

SPARKS  
All right. 

DOORS  
Marshal, a USSA-class transport ship has entered Mars airspace. 

SPARKS  
Oh, come on. 

CROACH  
It seems a return message would be futile. 

SPARKS  
They can shuttle folk between planets but can't tell me to expect company more'n two minutes before company touches down in my front yard. 

CROACH  
It appears they are landing just outside of town, to the west. 

SPARKS  
Let's ride out and say howdy, then see if we can't get them to turn back around and head home. 

CROACH  
Generous _and_ a gracious host. 

SPARKS  
Just ride.  
Hi-yah! 

[HORSIE NOISES. WHICH IS EXACTLY WHAT THE TAH SCRIPTS SAY, I'M SURE]  


SPARKS  
Nearly there. Look, that's them. 

CROACH  
Those are Avengers? Even for humans, they are _small._

SPARKS  
There's all types of Avengers. I'm sure they've got some cool powers. Powers that won't do 'em a lick of good here on Mars, though, but - I'm sure they're impressive in their own ways. 

CROACH  
Earth's _Tiniest_ Heroes, more like. 

SPARKS  
Get it all out now, Croach. 

CROACH  
Sparks Nevada, the USSA ship is departing. 

SPARKS  
Noooo no no.  
Hey.  
Hey, I'm Sparks Nevada, the Marshal here on Mars nice to meet you whatever whatever what's the big idea them just dropping you off? 

NATASHA ROMANOFF  
Was that not the plan? 

SPARKS  
Lady, _none_ of this was my plan. 

CLINT BARTON  
Ok, watch it. 

NATASHA  
It's all right. Let me guess. USSA notified you this morning? 

SPARKS  
Like fifteen minutes ago. 

NATASHA  
A message heavy in PR-speak and light on details. 

SPARKS  
Sounds like the one. 

NATASHA  
Classic USSA. I'm sorry they didn't give you more time to prepare for our arrival. 

SPARKS  
Yeah. Yeah.  
I mean, it's ok. It's not that I ... mind you being here. At all.   

CROACH  
What has just happened? 

CLINT  
About what usually happens. 

SPARKS  
Sorry. So. Yes, I am ... a Marshal.  
The Marshal.  
Sparks Nevada, Marshal on Mars.  
...I may have said.  
So. Who were you all, again? 

NATASHA  
Natasha Romanoff. 

CLINT  
Clint Barton. 

CROACH  
Croach the Tracker. 

SPARKS  
What? Croach, I know who you are. 

CROACH  
I was introducing myself to our guests. 

SPARKS  
My guests. 

CROACH  
What? 

SPARKS  
Hm? Nothing.  
So you're Avengers, huh? 

NATASHA  
Yes. And we're here to be as helpful and unobtrusive as you need. Peacekeeping, strategy and tactics, paperwork... 

SPARKS  
Whoa, let's not get carried away. I'm sure we'll figure something out. 

CLINT  
So. Mars! 

SPARKS  
Yep. 

CROACH  
Earth humans, such as yourselves, designate it Mars. 

SPARKS  
Not now. 

NATASHA  
Oh, you're _from_ here! What do your people ... designate it? 

CROACH  
Thank you for asking. We designate it 'G'loot praktaw.' 

NATASHA  
'G'loot praktaw.' 

CROACH  
Flawless. Without flaw. You are most welcome here. 

SPARKS  
Wow, you weren't kidding about that happening every time. 

CLINT  
Nope. 

SPARKS  
Croach, go back to town, see if you can't arrange some lodging for our guests. I'll load up Mercury here with your gear and we'll head on in, get you settled before nightfall. 

['MOVING STUFF AROUND' NOISES] 

Hey - can I ask a quick ... Avengers-related question? 

CLINT  
Yeah, sure. We know stuff. 

SPARKS  
So you guys have like ... special superhero names, right? I mean, if- 

NATASHA  
Black Widow. 

CLINT  
Hawkeye. 

SPARKS  
...so cool. 

[INSTRUMENTAL SPARKS THEME EXCERPT] 

TWANGY HAL  
And so, our newly formed band of heroes headed back into town, going their separate ways with plans to reconvene later. 

[/THEME] 

SPARKS  
I'll just finish up this one last thing and then go meet everyone at the bar. This last set of forms, and then I'll just neaten up my desk. Maybe check that those staples are still organized... 

DOORS  
The marshal's station doors are open. 

SPARKS  
Dangit, Croach, I said we'd meet at O'Tooles- 

THE RED PLAINS RIDER  
Ain't Croach, Nevada. 

THE RED PLAINS RIDER ANNOUNCEMENT SINGERS  
 _The Red Plains Rider! The Red Plains Rider! The Red Plains Rider! HYEAH!_

SPARKS  
Oh. Hey, Red. What are you doing in town? 

RED  
Saw that USSA ship come n' go before, figured I'd mosey in, see what was going on. 

SPARKS  
Yeah, they dropped off a couple of Avengers. They're doing a team-up thing, sending their folks around to different planets for like ... solar system orientation or somethin'. 

RED  
Y'all got Avengers on planet _now_? 

SPARKS  
A couple. You heard of them? 

RED  
I've read some stuff. Jim had some crazy stories about them. Who'd they send? 

SPARKS  
Uhh ... Black Widow and Hawkeye. 

RED  
Seriously? 

SPARKS  
Yeah, why? 

RED  
Avengers got guys with crazy invincibility, and strength, and another who's an actual god, and they send you two regular humans whose powers are shootin' stuff _pretty_ ok _most_ of the time? 

SPARKS  
Come on, Red, that ain't fair. They're good folks. You should meet 'em. 

RED  
I'll come meet 'em, but just know I ain't picking up your slack when you're busy playing tour guide with Earth's Least Interesting Heroes. 

SPARKS  
Everybody's got jokes.  
Look, there's not going to be any slack. They're here to help out. There will be ... the _opposite_ of slack. 

RED  
So. Tension. 

SPARKS  
All right, not literally. It'll be fine, is what I'm telling you. Come on, we're meeting them and Croach at O'Tooles. 

RED  
Fine. Let's go meet your new pals. 

SPARKS  
They're not my _pals._ Yet. We got along, though, pretty great, I think. And like: right away, too. You think they'd be my- you know what? Never mind. Let's go. 

[OLD TIMEY SALOON MUSIC] 

NATASHA  
-and we've been working together ever since. 

CROACH  
You watch out for her. 

CLINT  
And she watches out for me. 

CROACH  
A shared onus. Beautiful. Is that not beautiful, the Red Plains Rider? 

RED  
It's pretty, as sentiments go. 

SPARKS  
Hey - take it easy on the space rotgut, Croach - that road in particular ain't one I wanna go down with you again. 

CROACH  
I am no longer imbibing, Sparks Nevada. I already experience a pounding in my head which would indicate the consumption of many more beverages than I have had. 

NATASHA  
Actually - I hear that, too. I just assumed it was ... ambient Mars noise. 

RED  
I don't hear a damn th- you know what. I do - what _is_ that? 

SPARKS  
I'll go take a look. Hey, Barton, you want to come with? 

CLINT  
Sure. See, Tash, look at how helpful I'm being. 

SPARKS  
I'm sure it's nothin'. 

CLINT  
Still. I'm helpful. 

SPARKS  
Oh, so helpful. It's appreciated. _Pal._

RED  
Y'all gonna' go or just ... talk about goin' or ...? 

SPARKS  
Yeah, we'll be right back. 

NATASHA  
You've all been very nice. Clint assumed you'd be disappointed, getting us instead of some of the more ... colorful members of our group. 

RED  
It's true, we already got more crack shots 'n we know what to do with. But ... we also already got a do-gooder follows a rule book don't no one else care to follow, and we got temperamental folk of unusual pigmentation, and _more_ than our fair share of metal suits clankin' around. Fact is only one of you that'd be truly unusual is that Thor, and my goodness, it's just as well someone looks like him ain't showed up. I got plains to ride. I can't have that kind of ... distraction. 

NATASHA  
You know a lot about us. 

RED  
I do a bit. In fact, my only real concern at all's your spyin' past. We've had some troubles of that sort. But ... you seem ok, for now. 

NATASHA  
I appreciate it. The chance. 

RED  
's the least folk can offer one another, I figure. A chance. We've all of us done stuff. 

NATASHA  
I look forward to working with you. 

RED  
Same. Not a little bit because it's gonna' drive Nevada crazy. 

NATASHA  
Like annoyed crazy, or...? 

RED  
Oh, _all_ the available crazies. 

SPARKS  
Hey - any of you know anyone mentioned ever seeing a big ... like ... stompin' robot? 

CROACH  
I am aware of no such thing. 

RED  
Why, Nevada? 

SPARKS  
Mainly 'cause there's a big stompin' robot outside ... stompin' its way into town. 

CLINT  
Real big. Very stompy. 

RED  
Hey, Black Widow? 

NATASHA  
Yeah, Red? 

RED  
You wanna' go save Mars? 

NATASHA  
Oh, let's. 

[ELECTRICAL CHARGING NOISE] 

SPARKS  
Can we all ... can the rest of us come, too? 

CLINT  
I would like that. 

RED  
Everyone, let's go. Come on. 

[OUTSIDE: STOMPY ROBOT NOISES] 

CROACH  
Hawk Eye, I see you are admiring my quantum bow, and also my techno arrows. 

NATASHA  
"Techno arrows," Clint. 

CLINT  
Yeah I heard. I got some ... techno arrows. Probably. This one has putty. 

[STOMPY ROBOT NOISES, LOUDER] 

RED  
Wow, _look_ at that thing. That circle in its chest. Five panels in a circle 'round a sixth. Power source, I reckon. 

CLINT  
Yeah, I've seen one of those before. Wanted to shoot one of them before too, if I'm honest.  
I got it. 

[TWANG!] 

SPARKS  
Nice - dead center. Good shot. 

[ROAR!] 

RED  
Yep, you just made him real mad. 

CROACH  
Was that the putty arrow you mentioned? 

CLINT  
No, it wasn't the - it was an ARROW arrow. You must have to ... knock out all the panels at once. 

NATASHA  
So the circuits can't regenerate themselves and reconnect. 

SPARKS  
Wh- for real? Ok. Sure. That sounds like a thing.  
Well ... there's five panels left, and five of us got at least a firearm or bow and arrow, so - 

RED  
Widow: top right. Croach: top left. Nevada: bottom right. Hawkeye: bottom left.  
I'll take the last piece. 

NATASHA  
Everyone aim up. We'll go on three.  
One. Two. THREE. 

[BANG/THWIP/TWANG] 

[INQUISITIVE ROAR, FOLLOWED BY ENORMOUS METALLIC CRASH] 

SPARKS  
Good work, everyone.  
See, turned out good the USSA sent you over. We couldn't have done it without you two. Specifically. 

CLINT  
Nice of you to say, but I imagine the Hulk could have just punched the thing, and it w- 

NATASHA  
It's a nice moment, Clint. Don't ruin it. 

RED  
Well, I'm heading back inside. I aim to finish my drink and then set to work on its replacement. Y'all comin'? 

CROACH  
The Black Widow, I would like to talk more with you about onus. 

NATASHA  
I'd be under onus to you for the opportunity. 

CROACH  
And I am under onus to _you_ for being a _delight._

SPARKS  
You go ahead in and ... have your onus fight. I'll finish up out here with the giant robot what's layin' in the street. 

CLINT  
I'll help - it'll get us both back in the bar quicker that way, pal. 

SPARKS  
 _Pal._

RED  
All right. 

[INSTRUMENTAL SPARKS THEME] 

TWANGY HAL  
Is this the end of Sparks Nevada's existing lineup of heroes, and the beginning of a beautiful friendship includin' two more? Find out in the next thrilling adventure of Sparks Nevada, Marshal on Mars!

**Author's Note:**

> Stay tuned for the NEXT installment of the THRILLING AVENGER HOUR ... 
> 
> "Superhuman Resources"


End file.
